Me and My Muse

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Twilight Musings in the Mind of Jack

As Jack would think of before moving over...

The past 18 months had seen steely knives hanging over my dead skins. I had planed many unexecuted deaths, the most significant of which was of my own. The dreams as I called them seemed to bid farewell through the panes of a closed winter window of the room I always locked myself in. But after those days have gone, after a new autumn, I still feel I have to work on a bit of caustic sarcasm.

I bear scars over my heart. Behind me lies anger and spite. Anger, so sharp and tightly focused, that it could rend and destroy. Ahead of me lie a future of moderation and more measured and rational revenges. Behind me are two separate halves to the whole. One half, of kindness and benevolence would do anything for anyone. This half was willing to see the best in everyone. The other half, of hatred and righteous retribution would do anything to one who had flawed with me. This half saw no humanity in its opponent. This half saw no humanity, only opponents, only scales that needed to be evened. This half was emotionless, precise, and measured.

In my future I see a whole new being. My two halves of darkness and light fused into a single creature of grey. From the light I hope to take the kindness, the acceptance, the hope and some small remainder of innocence long lost. From the darkness I shall always have power. Power to resist, remain and deal with betrayers. But in the whole being, this power shall be tempered.

I have learned that I do not need to rend and harm and destroy a psyche or a body to attain just compensation. I have learned that sometimes a simple and benign comment such as "Yeah right" will suffice. I will not begrudge anyone who will take a more aggressive stance than me, I understand it, for long have I lived there myself. I have simply found it is not the best place for me to be right now. From the darkness, I know that no one will ever take advantage of me and get away with it completely unscathed. Towards the light, I knew that I had to take the chance that someone takes advantage of me as a risk of new relationships.

My future holds new insights and adventures. My road is not my own, but still I have walked alone. I do not ask anyone to follow me. But someone who has walked a little of it with me, makes it reasonably acceptable for allowance. In fact has become highly important.

You see the theme here. I do not measure, I do not compare and I do not compete. I merely wish to be. So I can BECOME whatever is next in this world for me.




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